Red Carpet Report Card: Golden Globes

I'm reviving a post I used to do called 'Friday fashion round up' in honour of the Golden Globes this week but instead of looking at the best and the worst dressed on the night I wanted to focus on those that left me underwhelmed. Basically if this was a school report card it would read "OK but could try harder". If I were a harsher woman it would read "get your shit together, its award season and I want to see some pretty dresses."  

I've then gone and photo shopped the heads of those accused (very badly I might add) onto the dresses I think they should have worn, or those I think they should wear for the Oscars, which are fast approaching. 

I'll start off with Jessica Chastain who wore Calvin Klein. Due to the sheer amount of times Jessica has been wearing Calvin Klein on the red carpet recently I am beginning to think she under some kind of contractual obligation whereby she must wear the brand at all times or forfeit her firstborn child. I really wish Chastain would break this pact, child be damned, as I think there are better designer's out there for her. All that billowing fabric left her looking like she was slouched over and sagging in all the wrong places (is there ever a right place to sag come to think of it?) and that colour is not doing her any favours either. Therefore for the Oscars I'd like to introduce her to some much needed structure: Jessica meet Christian Dior Couture and Giorgio Armani Prive if you please. 

Amy Adams is another beautiful redhead who did herself no favours with a frothy pale pink Marchesa gown she seemed to have colour matched exactly to her skin-tone. Remember back in 2011 when her film The Fighter was up for so many awards including best supporting actress and she was really going for it fashion wise? Can we have this lady back please! I need Amy to bring fierce and sexy back come Oscar time with some splits and strong shoulders. Something from Gianfranco Ferre or Antoni Berardi S/S 13 would be just the ticket.  

I also need Rachel Weisz to wake up and smell the coffee. Yes she is 40 something but she is still smoking hot and a real life bond girl, which instantly makes her the envy of millions of women worldwide. But sister, no one is jealous of that polka dot monstrosity. For the Oscars I'm hoping she'll go and do an Angelina and thrust her leg out of a thigh high split just to remind us she's alive! Sadly I don't think that's coming any time soon, so in the meantime I'd be happy to see her in anything other than one of the black dresses she ALWAYS inevitably wears - like signature Marchesa from S/S 13 or this nude Chanel gown to show off her English rose complexion? I do feel sorry for her though, it must be hard to keep a good stylist around when all they want to do is drool over your husband.

Speaking of legbombing...from left to right: Katharine McPhee, Eva Longoria and Rosie Huntington Whiteley. I'm so over this black dress, thigh high split, add in boring shoe look I can't even bring myself to write a whole sentence about it. 

I know your life is complicated right now Halle Berry and you have men fighting on your driveway and all but that's no excuse for this Versace number from the S/S 13 collection. A friend rightly commented that she appears to be stuck in a time warp: that's the same kind of dress she would have worn ten years ago, her hair is the same and her make up remains unchanged. And though her body is defying the ageing process she needs to move on style-wise as this cut is unflattering on her bust with the print and colour far too summery for the occasion. To tone it down for the Oscars I'd suggest classic black or metallics. Some edgy Vivienne Westwood or Elie Saab, both from S/S 13, expose enough flesh whilst leaving something to the imagination. 

See more after the jump.

You'd think Jessica Alba would have learnt to accessorise by now but apparently not. The silky coral Oscar de le Renta dress itself isn't too bad, its the strange feather Roger Vivier clutch she has chosen to wear with it which is truly blowing my mind. WTF Alba? To help her along for the Oscars I've handily included pictures of dresses from Jenny Packham S/S 13 and Giorgio Armani Prive she may wish to wear, which come handily ready accessorised with appropriate matching bags.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Nicole Richie looks bad here. Far from it. I'm just saying maybe the overall effect of the dress, that neckline, the hair, and the heavy eye make up is somehow making me think of a 80 year old grand dame in a costume drama. Maybe it could be called Rags to Richies? Personally I'd like to see Nicole in something brighter and younger, like this Jenny Packham gown from S/S 13, as she's one of the rare few who look good in orange. Rocking Christopher Kane on the red carpet would have been a bold and alternative style choice. I need someone to man-up and do this! 

Dear Emily Blunt: You are a golden goddess. However next time please can you wear something even BIGGER and maybe loose the cut out sides that make me go 'yikes'. I really feel like with the right agent and the right stylist behind you, you could be Hollywood's next leading lady out there, doing it for England, making us all proud. I also feel like Elie Saab is the way forward for you, you don't even need to change your hair or earrings as you can see by my excellent (ahem) photo shop skills, it would be PERFECT! Don't argue with me Blunt, just get in the dress.

And lastly its the woman we all expect to take home the most awards: Anne Hathaway. Apart from the lady garden flashing and truly heinous shoe incident from Tom Ford back in December, Anne has got it almost perfect at each event she's attended this season. Her choice of Chanel for the Golden Globes surprised me slightly considering how close she is to Valentino but maybe she's saving the big guns for the Oscars? As she seems to be so fond of wearing white at the moment my bet is on Anne wearing something similar to the dress above from Valentino S/S 13. failing that I'm hoping for some excellent shoulder and pixie crop action in something similar to Christian Dior's Couture show stopper.